This Floating Excrement Was Way Too Meaningful! These Are the Television Disappointments of the Year.

As we consider the television landscape of the past year, a selection of shows stand out not for their brilliance, but for their spectacular failures. Ranging from awkward spin-offs to confusingly poor documentaries, here are the programmes that left us utterly bewildered or simply reaching for the remote.

And Just Like That

Where to begin with this divisive spin-off? Plagued with dreadful writing, painful character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. For a moment, as the final series started, it seemed as if it had at last found its groove. Then arrived an installment centered on Seema’s natural deodorant. No wonder the showrunner announced this would be the last series. It concluded on a bum note; the closeup of Miranda’s loo full of poo was simply too on-the-nose. Yet, viewers certainly had a hoot dissecting every single “wtf?” moment. And as Carrie – a single woman once more – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who couldn't release a small sob?

All’s Fair

‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’

But that was practically the smallest of this drama's issues. The recipient of a very rare zero star assessment, it was hard to know where to start enumerating the flaws. The hilariously wooden writing? The tedious glorification of wealth and consumption? The seemingly wilful parade of cliches? Acting so poor they felt borderline spiteful? Suffice it to say “each and every one” and never speak of this show again. However, a new season has been ordered, so we’re likely going to have to.

AKA Charlie Sheen

Given the legal troubles, abuse claims and fatherly shortcomings, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not you’d really have known it from this three-part docuseries which smirked its way at Sheen’s various episodes of reckless excess while struggling to tell us a single thing we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any pity this show might induce should be saved for the people who have had to endure close contact with this charismatic but dismissive egotist.

The Iris Affair

Of course we knew it was preposterous from the outset: a thriller about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either save the world – or destroy all of humanity. We persevered out of pure love for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had given up trying. One scarcely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately slicing Charlie with an axe … in painfully slow-motion. Talk about admitting defeat.

MobLand

Dodgy characters meeting in deserted boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter jackhammering away in club scenes? The late 90s called and demands its crime drama back.

Actually, that is unfair on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a little dated now, but at least they didn’t endure the ignominy of having to indulge unconvincing dialects. But there were many other problems. Primarily that it was just profoundly boring; a dispute over narcotics territory between various cockney picaresques which felt a bit basic.

The Meghan Markle Series

Considering the degree to which she provokes the ire of certain ostentatiously angry commentators, it’s almost tempting to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised ventures into twee lifestyle as intentional statements. But then you view them and are forced to concede that in this case, they might have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle catalogue come to life; a poster for evening drinks with ideas of grandeur; a parade of snoozing dogs, humming beehives, Hallmark platitudes and forgettable crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All supported by vast, mostly unearned wealth. Ugh.

Victoria Beckham

There are obviously interesting things to be discussed about both Victoria Beckham and her struggles with vocation, self-image, self-worth. But for whatever reason, this three-part series chose not to explore them. Instead, the viewing was akin to reading a sales catalogue. She clearly has good reason to bridle at what she describes as her “miserable cow” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any helps with this guarded non-event of a series.

The Inheritance

It should have been the next big hit – except even more extravagant, with a famous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality overseeing her inheritance. What more could you want? As players competed, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too complicated to detail what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The show ended up reeking of a programme that was straining desperately to live up to something way beyond it.

Too Much

How does one follow a show that captured a generation? The expectation was enormous for this glitzy romcom about Jessica, a hopeful New Yorker who lands in London with a shattered romance. The star seized the opportunity by the horns and was joyous to watch, reveling in Jane Austen levels of romantic ideals. But it was all very glossy and, paradoxically, was not enough. Plus, the abundance of celebrity cameos involved felt uncomfortable.

Mitchell & Webb Are Not Helping

Not even good enough to be ‘uneven’.

Given the shrewd recruitment of talented emerging comics, expectations were high. But unhappily, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too ready to slip into a familiar irate mode. The writing room sketches, meanwhile, simply inspired the thought that they should probably have stayed in there a bit longer.

The Twisted Tale of Amanda Knox

This retelling of the story of Amanda Knox was executive produced by Amanda Knox and pretty much solely presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this was not it. The material needed to be handled sensitively. Instead, the series laboured awkwardly to find the right voice, lumbering from oddly breezy, somewhat stylised farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Twisted? Perhaps. A total mess? Absolutely.

Prime Target

We admire the lead actor … but did we buy him playing the most brilliant maths genius in history, a man so intelligent he’s on the brink of a breakthrough that could destabilise society? Nope! This international thriller about secret services spying on – and killing off – academics honestly got more farcical by the second. Formulaic nonsense.

The Bonnie Blue Documentary

This hagiography followed the online personality notorious for sexual escapades as she prepared for her biggest challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was far greater interrogation of her actual psychology, plus those of the men in the queue. They could at least have spoken to the legendary mum who showed up to haul her son away from the queue. What we got was horrific shots and zero interrogation of her infamy whatsoever. And to think, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.